Special and Unique Love

 There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them… All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he distributes them to each one, just as he determines. - 1 Corinthians 12:4, 11

I have always thought if something is to be fair or equal, then it has to be exactly the same. But when I read what Karen wrote in Pressing Pause warning about playing favoritism, she wrote: “God can impart to us a love for each of our children that is special and unique without being preferential” (emphasis added).

Special and unique.

When I was in my early twenties the youngest of my brothers got married. A few months later they had big news - they were pregnant (at least my sister-in-law was). I had to excuse myself to the bathroom to reel in my envious spirit with a prayer to God to help me to be happy for them. Because inside I was struggling with the question: “Why them? Why not me?” To me, they were living the life I thought I wanted and needed.

Recently though I have been learning how much God knows the deepest, true desires of my heart much better than I do. He knew my brother and sister-in-law were what the other needed. The two children they have are special blessings (and sometimes challenges) He has designed especially for them.

Likewise, God’s special and unique love for me meant saying no to a gift I saw someone else get because He knew that wouldn’t have brought the same joy to my heart and praise to His glorious name. Yet He still met my desire for a child in the way He saw was best. Today, I have the honor of sponsoring three little girls across the world, and the pleasure (and mess) of working in a daycare.

These gifts and ways God met our desires were different but are working to produce the same result: a rejoicing in our heart for God's provision and praise to His glorious name. For God knew the most impactful way to reach our hearts in order to draw us closer to Him and deeper in His love.

My nephew and niece are different in a variety of ways. One loves canned baked beans, the other does not. Showing special and unique love means serving the one child baked beans, while withholding the baked beans from the other child. In some eyes this may seem unfair, even sometimes in the receivers. But even the withholding is honoring the latter child’s preference, and leaves space for them to receive something they truly enjoy.

So what makes things fair? Or equal?

With Christmas approaching, I noted my brother and his wife’s goal of spending only so much money on each present. They also made a point in saying sometimes one present would go over that limit but another might go below that limit. I found that same fluctuation around my own limit happening as well. Part of me worried about the “unevenness” of my giving.

But what if the value isn’t in the dollar amount or receiving the exact same gift as the person next to us? What if the value is instead in how much we value the present we have received, and the equal or fairness comes from how much I love this sweater as much as you love the socks you received?

The same goes for the gifts, skills, talents, and blessings God gives us. Instead of looking at what everyone else has and is getting or even able to do, what if we were to look at what is already in our hands? What are we receiving that to us is just as precious and amazing as the other person’s gift is to them? What are the things we are capable of doing to glorify God and share His love and truth?

All Bible references are from the New International Version (NIV) unless noted otherwise.

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I Do Not Need To Live In Fear

 

 "Tremble and do not sin; when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent. Selah" - Psalm 4:4 NIV (Selah is dropped in the translation)

The tremble in this verse is a Hebrew word that means an emotional shaking that can be a result of anger or fear.

I believe it was Lysa TerKeurst who wrote that "we can fear, but not live afraid. We can be angry, but not live angry." I don't quite remember how the quote went, but I remember it had this basic idea: you can feel this emotion, but not live by this emotion.

I have struggled a lot with emotions. I have tried to stuff them down, change them, and numb them, but nothing works, I still feel them. I thought that if I stopped feeling these things, then I would not struggle with these things.

But now I am learning how emotions are good. God has emotions and He designed us with emotions since we are His reflections He gives us the things He has so they can be represented in us. One of the things He gave us was His emotions.

This includes fear and anger.

I don't think anything can scare God, but at the end of Genesis chapter 3 God banished Adam and Eve to ensure they cannot eat of the tree of life. In a way I wonder if this was a holy fear of God that prompted Him to act in the best way.

Because that is what fear is: a warning that if we don't do something, something bad will happen.

If God did not banish Adam and Eve they would have eaten of the tree of life and lived forever - and that in sin. And that was not what God wants. So His fear drove Him to action. Not because He was terrified, but because He had that emotion that made Him aware that an action needed to take place. And God is perfect so His reaction was perfect.

God has blessed us with fear too. Which is odd to think of fear as a blessing. To me, fear has always led to a reaction to hide within myself and remain silent, to freeze in terror, or go along with whatever someone else wants in order to protect myself.

But fear is a blessing, because when we see a bear we know to run in the opposite direction or else we are lunch - or at least dead.

However, sometimes the correct reaction to fear is difficult to see because we are fallen and broken, we sometimes fear things we shouldn't and we sometimes respond in ways we shouldn't.

A fear of mine is that I cannot get my hands clean. There have been times where it doesn't matter how many times I wash them, I cannot get over that fear of being dirty and contaminating something else as soon as I touch it. This is me having an inappropriate fear with a terrible response. It's also a symptom of a compulsion disorder. Another would be always double checking doors - which I do also - or triple checking the stove is off.

Another fear of mine is what other people think about what I write. Will they think it's foolish? Will they avoid me because now they know I believe that? Am I going against God's truth? Did I research what I wrote about enough (I never feel like I do or can)?

In some ways, this fear is healthy because it keeps me in check with God's truth. In this way the fear keeps me turning back to God and His word and ensuring I line up underneath Him and what He ultimately says is true. And also in making sure I am relaying my point clearly.

However, this fear can also be unhealthy because I start focusing more on what people think rather than on what God says. When my focus is on people, I lose all sight of God and truth and everything and anything I may try to write becomes distorted in my thinking.

Here in Psalm 4:4 we are told to "Tremble and do not sin." Tremble. Go ahead and tremble. We can recognize we are afraid. We can recognize we are angry. Our emotions are good because they inform us of something that has to be addressed. However, emotions also have to be held back by boundaries, they are not to hijack our life.

Because that second phrase has an important word in it: not. "And do not sin.” Once we recognize the emotion we are feeling, we have a choice. Will we, 1. jump on whatever rollercoaster these emotions take us on, or 2. surrender this emotion to God to help us know how to respond?

For years I thought that if I felt something, I had to act upon it, so for a majority of my life I have been emotionally driven, and that led me into a downward spiral of depression and eventually a consideration of suicide.

But we do not have to let the fear dictate how we respond. I also fear people, and some people are harder to speak with than others. Just recently I started a new job, and the woman I will be working closely with has a personality that is completely opposite of mine and other people that I have known with that personality have just mowed right over me and squashed the life out of me. So my first reaction was fear, and to cave with that fear. After my first week working alongside her and discussing only the necessities, I finally built up enough courage to get the truth of my struggle with her out in the open.

Fear in this case, though it was trying to protect me from getting hurt again as I had been in the past, kept me silent. However, the best response was not silence, it was to speak up. When I could finally admit my fear and speak about it, I found the conversation went much better and actually learned I compliment this woman in our work very well and the two of us will hopefully be able to become very good co-workers if not maybe someday friends.

So while we can recognize the fear, we do not need to live in fear.

Now, understanding what that meant, didn't come until this night as I was settling into my hotel room. I started to feel really jumpy as I was getting everything all set and turning off some of the lights, as though something was lurking in a corner or shadow somewhere and would just jump out at me.

I was starting to get tense and barely remembered something like this happened before and told whatever it was to leave, so I told it to leave in Jesus' name. Twice. Then I prayed and invited God into that place and asked Him to drive out the darkness and whatever was in this room. I sang a couple songs, turned back to Psalm 4:4 and looked at the list of "In Christ I Am" I have from my counselor and saw: "Phil. 4:7 Guarded by the peace of God," in the list.

I also remembered Isaiah 41:10 and how many times throughout the Bible God calls us not to fear. Not because the emotion is bad, but because He doesn't want us to respond in fear.

Maybe this means the fear doesn't leave, but our focus isn't on what we feel, but on who God is. For God tells us multiple times not to fear, and one reason not to fear is because God is with us. He goes before us and behind us:

"You have hedged me behind and before, And laid Your hand upon me." - Psalm 139:5 NKJV

Because God is our mighty fortress. The walls that surround and guard us, that cannot be shaken nor moved. He is our defense, our defender, the warrior who fights for us to protect us, our champion who has already won the war.

Therefore "in peace I will lie down and sleep, for you alone, LORD, make me dwell in safety" (Psalm 4:8).

And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:7

All Bible references are from the New International Version (NIV) unless noted otherwise.

Trusting God

 “Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. For the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and He also has become my salvation.” - Isaiah 12:2 BSB

At the turn of the last year, my whole world turned upside down and there was nothing I could do except lean into God, trusting Him to work out all the details of what was going on. Learning to continue to trust Him, though, has been an ongoing struggle throughout the year.

When I start something, I tend to have beginner’s luck and get everything right. But then as I go on things start to fall apart and what I thought I knew crumbles away. Which leads to me feeling like I have to start from scratch and learn everything all over again. The process is long and frustrating, not only on my part but with other people involved, especially when stress and performance expectations are driving me.

So here I am. Past my “beginner’s luck” moment at the beginning of the year, through all the mess of everything falling apart, and now coming back to rebuild the blocks of what it means to trust God.

I feel like everyone talks about trusting God, and the idea of trusting God, even the words “Trust Me, trust me,” have been repeated this past week, sometimes I even speak them aloud. But what does it actually mean to trust God?

Another question I have been asking myself is, “What does it look like to trust God either in this situation or with this concept?” And these are some of the things I have come up with of what it means to trust God:

• Trusting that what Jesus did on the cross was enough to earn my salvation. There is nothing I need nor can do to earn God’s approval and right to be saved.

• Trusting that how and when God answers a prayer is the best time and best way. Even if it looks absolutely nothing like the only way and time I thought was acceptable.

• Trusting that when I start to speak or ask that question that God will indeed provide the words and lead that conversation in the way it should go. Though I may not understand how those first words could possibly be the right thing to say, or the outcome is different than I expected.

• Trusting that God’s timing is indeed the best. So that when something happens 4 years later than I wanted it, it was because God knew I was not ready 4 years earlier and my timing would have led to disaster.

• Trusting that the reason I am still here is because God still has a purpose for me to fulfill. Even though I feel underqualified, and life is too hard, I would rather give up.

In the song New Wine by Hillsong Worship, they sing, “When I trust You I don’t need to understand.”

I don’t understand all God’s plans, though try as I might to figure the answers beforehand. But God doesn’t call us to understand. He calls us to trust Him. So even when I can’t understand why God is asking this of me, I can step forward confidently, without fear, because God will guide my steps, for [He] is my strength and my song, and He also has become my salvation (Isaiah 12:2 BSB).

So now as I face an unknown or new concern, I have to decide, will I trust God with this?

For in Romans, Paul reminds us that God works all things together for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28 BSB).

So what will you start trusting God with? Think of something specific, and surrender it to Him. If you mess up, confess and repent but don’t stop there. Try again. And again. For as many times it comes up.

A Hope For Today

 Therefore having girded up the loins of your mind, being sober-minded, set your hope fully upon the grace being brought to you in the revelation of Jesus Christ, - 1 Peter 1:13 BLB

The word revelation always denoted a finality to me. Those things that would be revealed would only be at the end when Jesus returns. That all my questions could not and will not get answered until I see Jesus face to face.

Perhaps this is because the last book of the Bible holds this word as its title and speaks of everything that will happen when Jesus returns. But my outlook also comes from a lack of understanding that the word revelation means a revealing of something that was not previously known. Both in the English and Greek versions of the word.

A lot of versions of this verse also translate "being brought" as something that will happen in the future, like when Jesus comes.

There are a lot more layers in Greek to past, present, and future tenses and other grammar aspects I don't fully understand and have to look up and study everytime I want to understand a word more fully.

This verb of grace's revelation is in the present. It is being brought now. Not someday, but today.

The more I learn about Jesus and His unconditional love and the grace He has for me increases my joy. Grace is a favor, as in preference. God prefers us. But grace is also kindness. Because of God's preference for those He desires to call His own, He shows kindness.

Grace is what caused God to reach down and save humanity, the world, the entire universe. Yes. I won't fully understand the extent of God's grace and may not be able to fully comprehend in heaven, but I can start learning more about God's grace and understand how highly He thinks of me and the joy that fills God when He looks at me, at you, at each of us His dear children.

I suffer with depression. A hopelessness that makes me feel worthless, a waste of space. Everything feels pointless as the energy is sapped from me. A heaviness weighs down my heart making even the most menial tasks equivalent to climbing Mount Everest.

Last night during a Bible study reviewing a sermon preached on Sunday, we noted the preacher's view of the character of the Samaritan woman at the well in John 4. She was bitter. Insulted thatJesus was even talking with her. Nitpicking details that didn't even matter to Jesus, a majority He ignored they held so little worth and only one He corrected her on.

In their conversation, the woman gets defensive to His correction on worship and says, "I know that Messiah… is coming. When he comes, he will explain everything to us" (John 4:25).

As I thought about the 1 Peter passage above, which Timothy Keller mentioned at the end of a sermon, I realized she felt the same way. That we cannot have the answers now, so there is no point in trying to understand, we have to wait until the Messiah comes to explain everything.

This led to her bitterness and seeking fulfillment through relationships. This led to my depression and feeling all effort is worthless.

But Jesus replies "I am He" (John 4:26). He is our Messiah, the Christ, our Savior.

God has been revealing Himself since the beginning of time. Through His communications with Adam, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and all the prophets who followed. Then He came Himself as a human to make Himself known as our Savior and pay a price only He could afford: our sin debt. Now we hold His truth in our hands in His word the Bible through which He reveals and makes Himself known to us.

Maybe some of the things we learn are miniscule and seem meaningless. But like a snowflake that combines with another snowflake and another until you are holding a snowball in your hand, so God takes every tiny truth we absorb to teach us something tangible we can learn.

Slowly those snowballs add up. They grow. Snow forts and igloos are formed inside our hearts. Foundations and fortresses of truth in which we can confidently reside and live out of.

Then they begin to transform our lives. Our hearts begin to thaw in response to God's love as we are warmed in the protection of His truth. As our hearts begin again to beat and follow the rhythm of God's heart we discover the value of our worth and the love of our Heavenly Father. Then this enables us to see the worth and God's love for others and to be an extension of His heart reaching out to them.

So are you gathering snowflakes? Can you hold a snowball in your hand? Is an igloo or snow fort being built? Or maybe you are resting inside an igloo and snow fort, heart thawing to beat again.

Whatever stage you are at or however many times you have gone through the cycle, keep leaning into Jesus. Receive the word He has for you, listen for the Spirit's direction no matter how faint, and hear the Father's love for you.

Let your bitterness be sweetened in the truth of hope we have in Jesus. Let your depression take flight in the truth of hope we have in Jesus.

All Bible references are from the New International Version (NIV) unless noted otherwise.

The Gentleness of God's Voice

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” - Matthew 11:28-30

Growing up, I would hear the phrase, “If God wants you to do something, He will keep telling you to do it.” But when I told this to a pastor’s wife later on in life, she replied, “Well, Satan is very persistent too.” To which I felt dismayed, because how was I to ever know if something was from God or the enemy?

We have two voices speaking into us: God’s, and Satan’s.

Learning that this past year has actually been helpful, since I am plagued with a self-gaslighting inner voice which is constantly tearing me down and kicking me deeper into the mud of shame and despair. So it was a relief to come to know this was not God.

But sometimes the voices are hard to differentiate. After all, Satan disguises himself as an angel of light (2 Corinthians 11:14), so he tries to sound like our Savior, Jesus. However, their motivations are completely different:

The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I [Jesus] have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10

Satan can only change his outward appearance. His heart remains the same, and eventually that pours out into his words:

But the things that come out of a person’s mouth come from the heart, and these defile them. For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. - Matthew 15:18-19 (emphasis added)

Through two different experiences this past week, I came to understand the gentleness of God’s speech in my heart. For God gave us a free will, and doesn’t want to force us (Philemon 1:14) or for us to do anything out of compulsion (2 Corinthians 9:7). But He asks gently, “Will you do this?” or “Will you go here?”

Maybe we don’t respond right away. Or we forgot and got distracted with something else. Or maybe we need a reminder to keep going. Or maybe we are procrastinating. But God doesn’t shame us, wagging a finger as He tsks, “I asked you to do this already, why haven’t you done so?” Instead He gently asks again, “Will you do this?” or “Will you go here?”

Satan’s voice urges us on and rises with our anxiety, mocking our panic by screaming, “If I don’t do this now then I will miss my chance!” “If I don’t go now then I will never be able to go!” or “If I don’t get this then I’ll never have it!” So he tells us to grab, run, hurry, jump that hurdle, chase your tail, perhaps someday you’ll finally be good enough and attain all your wildest dreams.

But consider for a moment what Jesus said, “I Am the bread of life” (John 6:35), “the light of the world” (John 8:12), “the door” (John 10:9), “the good shepherd” (John 10:11, 14), “the resurrection and the life” (John 11:25-26), “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6) and “the true vine” (John 15:1). In Him is already everything that we could possibly want or need: sustenance, life, access to a safe place, protection, a means for salvation, a guideline for how to live our life, and the strength to live that life.

The gentleness of God's voice says, "Come to me. For in me is found all things. Rest. For I have already completed the work. The things I ask of you are not too hard. For I bear the weight of the burden. I will not force you. For I desire to walk with you. Will you walk with me?"

Read more about God's kindness here.

All Bible references are from the New International Version (NIV) unless noted otherwise.

Seasons of Heartbreak

 “You are safe here.”

My counselor leaned forward as she spoke the words. With my eyes glazed over, mind blank, numb to all my emotions, I needed the reminder from my counselor that I was safe. I no longer need to live in those scenarios that caused my pain.

Like the state-of-the-art security system, my brain shuts down, closing off to the rest of the world like a panic room. I don’t dare make any eye contact. Any interactions are superficial and marked by my nervous fake giggle that says, “I’m fine!”

In moments like those, however, I am anything but fine. Trying to do everything I can to close out the world. Anything I can to avoid the pain.

In my seasons of depression, I never want to hurt myself. I don’t like pain and fear getting hurt. But when I trip, bump into something, hit my funny bone, pinch a finger, my response is always to be angry. “I deserved that,” I tell myself as I move on - outwardly, as though it never happened.

“I am the vine; you are the branches.” - John 15:5

Do you know what happens when two parts are connected? One is affected by what the other feels.

Have you ever sat on a bench with someone, or at a table, and the other person starts bouncing their leg? The action shakes your seat too! Even erasing vigorously shakes the whole table and results in an angry sibling or friend to scold angrily because their picture or writing was messed up (I’ve been on both sides of this scenario).

So likewise, when we feel pain, God feels the pain too. After all, we are connected. Jesus is the vine, we the branches. Having been grafted in, that means we have been joined to a point where we are now one plant.

God’s own Spirit dwells within us (1 Corinthians 3:16; 6:19, Galatians 4:6, 2 Timothy 1:14), and you can’t get any closer than that.

But God doesn’t want to leave us in this state of suffering in our pain. He wants us to come to the other side. He allows the pain into our lives because He knew we would become more beautiful as a result. That our relationship with Him would become much deeper. Our character more defined into the person He created us to be. Stronger, wiser, more faithful (Romans 3:3-5, James 1:2-4, 2 Peter 1:3-9*). Because God knew the benefits of going through the trial, pain, hardship, loss, whatever you may be facing, outweighs the safety of staying where we are.

Maybe the pain will only last a day, a week, or a month. But maybe it will be a year or two, or more. Or, maybe as He did for Paul when death was the end-date, God will say, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

No matter the length of time or the extent of your heartbreak, allow me to tell you this:

“You are safe here.”

You are safe in the presence of God, who is the God of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3).

I wish I could tell you how to receive this comfort. To explain how its possible to feel joy in our pain. But the comfort God gives is personalized specifically to you. And the peace He gives passes all understanding (John 14:27, Philippians 4:7). The only thing I can tell you for certain is you won’t find His comfort anywhere else than in His presence.

Maybe getting into God’s presence is intimidating or you don’t know how. I’ve been there too.

Currently I find devotionals helpful, speaking the words I can’t find, with reminders about what God actually says about me. Trying a new technique of praying, though it wasn’t at all how I imagined when I ordered the book, provided an avenue that helps being still in God's presence. Listening to sermons recommended by others.

If you would like a starting place, check out my list of Recommended Resources. I hope you find something that helps you draw nearer to God.

Love, a Motivator Not An Action

 For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. - Romans 5:6-8 ESV

You are not defined by what you do, the sum of all your mistakes. Neither does your validation come from other people - they do not get to say when you are good enough. Because God said, “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8) and in so doing He demonstrated His love for us.

I understand this best in a quote by Mark Ballenger in his book Redeemed Like David that goes like this: “God does not love us because of what we do. God loves us because of who He is.”

One of my sister-in-laws also wanted to add, “And what He has done.” But I think it is important to understand God’s love in regards to who He is before we start looking at what that love has done, though we learn of His love through what He has done.

Why is this important to me? To understand who God is first?

Because if I only looked at God’s love as being in the things He does - which I have - I start to doubt His love when things go badly. I start to think that since something didn’t go the way I thought it should, then from that place of crushed expectations I think God must not love me.

And if God’s love is tied to His actions, then His love for me must be tied to my actions and when I sin I can’t believe how God could ever love me, a sinner and unclean. So when I mess up I become despicable in my own eyes because that is the only way I can imagine God must see me.

But when you disconnect His love from His actions and see His love stays intact with who He is at His core, realization of how He still loves starts to sink in.

You start to see as Reeves did in his book Delighting in the Trinity how God exists three-in-one in perfect harmony and unity because of love. How creation poured forth out of God’s abundance of love, love He desired to spread and share. How in love the Father sent His son. How in love Jesus went to the cross and rose to ascend on high. How in love the Holy Spirit now dwells in our hearts communicating God’s love to us, every promise made in love, every work spoken in love.

When you separate love from works, God’s love is no longer defined by what He does. But God’s love becomes the driving force behind everything He does.

When we realize this, then we have a reason to cling to hope and be encouraged when things don’t go our way, fall apart, or seem to be all wrong. Because God’s motivator and purpose is love, and this love means He desires the very best for us.

This may mean God says no or not yet, because in His love He has prepared something better. Lysa TerKeurst put this beautifully in her book You’re Going to Make it as she encourages us not to give up praying but to “Keep pressing into God. Keep praying. Don’t pull away. He isn’t ignoring you; He is listening. He loves you too much to answer our prayers at any other time than the right time and in any other way than the right way…. Since His thoughts are higher than ours and His ways better than ours, I have to believe His answers will be more in keeping with what’s really best for us.”